Story
Winter snow coating the ground with sun shining through the giant trees. Trees that tower above the path, as though they have been guarding this place for centuries. They look old and brittle with each passing year, aging until their death. Ancient marble torii gates frame the scene within its aging structure covered in lichen and moss. Within the frame snow dusted stone steps neatly set on the slope leading up the hill towards a small Japanese temple, that was lying quietly on the crest of the hill as though it was sleeping. The architecture of the temple displays its ever growing wisdom but it almost feels as through nature build this place. From the flowing dips of the roof, to its points look like tree branches adding to its natural design. The walls looked as though snow fill the absent holes and writing on the entrance that looked as thought it was burnt into the wood by a higher power.
Feel the cold air circle around the trees. Snow crunch, compress and side under foot just like walking on glass. The bark on the trees are not cool but warm and full of life, as though they heat the bitter cold air. Feel the presents of the trees towering above. Feel the ground slightly shift with each sway of the trees as thought they are slowly walking. The presents of peace and harmony welcomes with open arms.
night envelopes the sky as the darkness consumes all places that have not the luxury of light to shield them. The snow has now changed to a hard soulless blanket trapping the earth below it. The torii gates stand strong in the dark as they are shielded by the lanterns hanging around. The temple on the hill also protected by the light, but now it look different in the smooth light from the lanterns. The writing on the door looks as if it is glowing in the light and the snow like walls as though they have not changed like the soulless snow surrounding. They look as if they were still full of life but still cold, not a heartless cold more like a cold that cools anger and rage. The roof now dark and shadowed no longer life filled, now battling the darkness as if it shields the temple from horrors above. The trees though surrounded by darkness still full of life as they are still warm to the touch.
Smell the bitter sweat salt in the air, making the cold smell more fragrant and lively. The smell of old wood oil barley present as the years of the elements beating the temple have robbed it of its smell. Smell the sap in the air mixing with the salt to create a wonderful thought of a sea side forest. One smell that stands out is the smell of absence, not lonely but just empty space.
And then you imagine the thoughts of the humble builders that built this place from many past lives before. Imagine the feeling of the joy it brought to see this place finished in all its young beauty. Just imagine you were intended to appreciate this wonderful place by past souls many before your time.
2 Comments
Add Yours →Hi Harry,
You have made a good start with this. Keep working on developing the scene, layer by layer.
A few things to consider:
– Be mindful of your verb forms. At the moment, you are adding the -ing ending to verbs when you don’t need to. Look to check each one to ensure you are using the correct form. You should only use the -ing when something has been happening for an extended period of time (from the past into the present).
– Check your sentences all make sense. At the moment, you have some really long ones which would be better split into two. Flow is important but not at the cost of accuracy.
– Look over the structure to guide the development of your piece. The commands encourage you to add more depth to your scene by appealing to different senses. Look to select these carefully so that your description builds.
I’ll check back in a couple of hours to see how you have progressed and offer more feedback then.
Mrs P
Hi Harry,
Do really think about your sentence structure and verb choice. Make sure you are using the same verb type throughout the same sentence. Each sentence should make sense if you read it on its own. Similarly, if you have too many ideas in one sentence you can split it into shorter sentences so that the reader doesn’t get confused about what the subject is.
Use the structure to think about how you will direct the readers attention. In the second paragraph you are focusing on the sound of the place, so start it with the command “listen”. Then think about how you will convey silence and stillness through that. What little sounds might you notice that you don’t normally hear in a loud place?