rex

“okay Rex you need to make sure to you get that follow through of yours good so that the ball doesn’t fly if a weird direction” i shout from the outside of the batting cage. “sounds good granpa” he yell back. Rex takes his stance getting his bat ready, he nods to me i put the token into the machine and the first ball is loaded into the chamber of the launcher. “fwoop” the batting machine spits out the ball at a speedy pace. “CRACK” the sound of the as the ball collides with the wood. “good shot” i say, he looks proud and readying for the next ball. “fwoop” “CRACK” another blinder of a hit. hes looking proud and happy this is place is this kids safe haven. “fwoop” “CRACK” “wow that was the best so far” i shout back to him. the last ball loads into the chamber and hes not getting ready hes tightening his forearm pad. he must not of been counting the balls, i scream back at him “DUCK” “fwoop”. he looks up and. bloods pouring out of his head his skull is caved in and you could see the spots where where is brain was pulsing. i’m speechless he just laying there. i open the gate to the cage and sprint over to him and he is not breathing… hes … dead.

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Hi Harry,

You need to pay careful attention to your spelling and grammar. You capitalisation in particular needs to be addressed. There are several times throughout your writing where you have missed these mistakes. It is vital that you catch these errors and correct them in order to achieve success.
You also need to break up your paragraph. Remember what we have discussed regarding dialogue and how to structure it. The breaking up of your paragraph will create a greater flow for your writing and allow your reader to experience the piece as you want them to.

Thank you

Mr Johnson

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